Ash's Twilight Parody
by xXAshyXx
Summary: This is just a parody. I apologize if it is terrible, as this is the first time I've attempted to write something humerous. It is lighthearted so no deep analyses here! Please give it a chance and be sure to review. No plagiarism intended.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One: Preparing to Leave. **

Bella had never given much thought to how she would die. She knew that when it happened…she would look beautiful.

Bella's beauty amazed her as much as it amazed everyone else around her. One day she was watching her pet grass seeds grow, and decided that she might be able to manage the brain overload of keeping an eye on the seeds while thinking about her lovely appearance.

She had long, stringy dark hair. Once, a girl said that Bella's hair looked like Medusa. Therefore, Bella could ascertain that her hair was like that of a goddess.

Her skin was freckly and pimply. Once, a boy said that Bella had skin like the surface of the moon. Therefore, Bella could ascertain that her skin looked as mysterious as the Milky Way, with a million twinkling stars.

Her flesh was flabby and dimply. Once, a girl said that Bella was fat. Therefore, Bella could ascertain that her shape was more Marilyn Monroe (tripled) than Twiggy Lawson. Bella was, after all, a **huge** (Get it? Get it?) sensation on .

Her voice was low and masculine. The guy on the other end of the sex chat line described it as being 'manly.' He had sounded disappointed. Bella decided she had the low, deep purr of a tigress, and well, if her clients wanted girls instead of real women, that was entirely their problem. _They could build a bridge and get over it. Or better, they could build a bridge and get over themselves,_ thought Bella.

She was pleased with this line, and decided that she would use it at every available opportunity. She pulled the straps of her suspenders and stretched them to their full extent, and let them go. They snapped against her knitted vest. She stared into her mirror. It was the joke one that her mother had once begged the owners of the local amusement park to let her buy, as Bella had taken one look at her reflection in it, and fell in love with it instantly.

'Mom,' she had grunted that day. 'I look amazing! This is the only mirror that depicts me as I truly am. Oh, please can we buy it? Oh, _please, please, please_?'

Bella's mother had looked at Bella in the reflection, and saw a disproportionately large head to the rest of the body (which was large enough in its own right). Yes, her daughter was right! Bella was finally being depicted for who she was.

Bella was broken from her reverie by her mother walking into her room. The astonished look on her mother's face was perhaps explained by the sight of Bella, with her fingers in her mouth, stretching her lips into a maniacal grin, staring into the mirror.

'Bella,' Renee frowned. 'What are you doing?'

'Oh, just practising how I'm going to look when I catch people out with my famously clever wit!' Bella answered.

'Please don't,' implored Renee in a patient voice, 'you don't look very intelligent when you do things like that. I think you should be packing for Forks.'

'I'll send you packing to Forks. So, it would be best if you build a bridge and get over it. Better still, why not build a bridge and get over yourself?' Bella jutted her head forwards towards her mother, pulling at her lips with her fingers to form that gross smile again. She also broke wind as she did so, deliberately, as she knew that most people generally found it highly amusing when she did so. She knew her mother had been lying that time she tried to tell Bella that people laughed _at_ her, not _with_ her.

'Bella', Renee said sadly, 'although I have reinforced your special mirror to stop it cracking like the others, you should stop that expression before the wind changes.' She walked off, shaking her head sadly. Bella just knew that Renee was filled with jealousy that she could never be as great or as admired as her daughter. Bella conceded that Renee _did_ have a point about the mirrors. For some reason, Bella was at 77 years bad luck.

Bella sighed, and spat on her grass seeds to water them. Hey, she was showing her respect for life by saving on the water bill. Bella sighed at how considerate she was. The few shoots that had emerged shrivelled up and turned brown. Bella was so proud of them. Maggy, Paggy and Daggy had finally obtained a suntan.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: Bella's Father. **

Bella stepped into her father's house and promptly tripped over the leopard print rug. Her father, Charlie, hastily shoved his magazine down the side of his couch. Bella couldn't see exactly what it was, but knew the title started with P.

'Whoa, watch out!' laughed Charlie, as Bella rushed to give him a big hug.

'God, I'm so clumsy,' groaned Bella in a guttural voice, 'I thought only people whose parents were brother and sister had this problem.' She laughed, her fat cheeks wobbling with the effort. 'Imagine that!'

'Yeah, about that. There's something you should know about your mother and I.' started Charlie, clearing his throat several times.

'What's that?' Bella asked, genuinely not knowing where this conversation was going.

'Never mind,' said Charlie quickly. He walked off, muttering nonsense about 'past convictions', 'Perverts Anonymous' and 'relapse.'

Bella knew that her dad was just trying to look cool. He was a virgin, of course. Bella couldn't understand why the other students at her old school wouldn't accept the truth about their roots. Literally, their ROOTS. They were too stupid to understand that all humans are descended from the Great Lord of the Cabbage Patch, and thus were born in a cabbage. Bella, considering herself to be a kind creature, then reasoned that the others ought to be pitied. She would not show them any derision for their ignorance.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: First Sight. **

It was Bella's first day at her new school. Upon stepping outside Charlie's house, a bird dropped its white excrement straight into Bella's dark hair. She decided not to wash it out, as it was considered good luck, and she decided that she wanted her new classmates to be made aware of her extremely good fortune. Besides, she kind of enjoyed the smell. It smelled like egg. Bella liked egg.

Stepping through the gates of the school, Bella was aware of many people checking her out. She had worn her favourite crop top, propeller cap and Oliver Twist-esque pants and suspenders. She wore no shoes because she wanted to make a good impression and give off the aura of being carefree. To complete her look, she wore a macaroni necklace around her neck. If someone forgot their lunch, she could generously offer them her macaroni necklace, thus increasing her chances of making many new friends.

Suddenly, Bella was filled with apprehension. Back in California she had been accustomed to a Special School. This was quite clearly not one of these. Bella worried that her classmates would not be able to understand her genius.

Upon examination of her timetable, Bella realised that biology was her first subject. After breaking two chairs when she sat down on them, Bella blushed and decided to use the floor. Clearly, this place had no special facilities for statuesque goddesses. She decided to be classy, and not point out this fact to the other students, as they would all feel embarrassed.

Bella did, however, object to everybody gawking openly at her. It is a well known fact that supermodels often like to go _incognito_ when they are not working. Bella felt as though she couldn't risk unpopularity amongst the females by gaining the lusty attentions of _all_ the boys just yet. She became saddened as she realised that she was only trying to put off the inevitable, as she had spent a lifetime of boys who loved her but where too scared to talk to her.

The boys in this class laughed and pointed at Bella, confirming her suspicions that they would try the old trick of trying to pretend that they were not into her. The girls giggled, and were muttering nonsense along the lines of 'Oh my god, HUGE wedgie!' and 'bird poo! Ew! Don't go near her!' Bella realised that they were jealous already. The teacher hadn't yet arrived.

After telling the girls to build a bridge and get over themselves (yes, along with the fingers in the mouth stunt, if you must know) Bella looked up in time to see the most magnificent boy walk into the class.

She still had her lips contorted into that leering grin. Her eyes widened. A trickle of bird excrement started to run down the side of her face. Once this registered, Bella could then focus on the most beautiful boy in the world. He was tall and skinny. Bella was reminded instantly of a bean pole. Bella liked beans, especially in soup form. His hair was shiny to the point that Bella inhaled and could swear that she could smell the aroma of Mc Donald's fat. Bella liked Mc Donald's. His eyes were open wide and he wore the expression of a dead fish. _What do you know?_ Bella thought to herself. _I love fish and chips! _

Bella decided that this mysterious boy was otherworldly, and saw fit to choose a suitable name for him. _Actually no, not _him, thought Bella dreamily_. It._

'Edward,' she whispered, a tender caress carrying her voice not only to Edward, but to the rest of the class, who laughed like mad.

Edward frowned.

'No,' he replied. 'The name's Lachlan.

Bella wasn't listening.

'Edward. Edward Cullen.'

Edward tried to contradict Bella once more.

'No, really,' he insisted in an angry voice. 'I'm Lachlan Mulkitov. You must have the wrong person.'

Bella could forgive Edward for his stupidity. He had, after all, just laid eyes on her, the most beautiful girl in the world. Males couldn't be expected to keep their wits about them when _she_ was around. Bella blushed for Edward's sake. She graciously decided to feel embarrassed for him, so that he might be spared the torment.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: Approaching Edward. **

Bella was on the floor, and Edward (who kept insisting that he was Lachlan) was sitting in the seat next to her at the table which they were supposed to be sharing. He kept staring at her and breathing really heavily. This reminded Bella of that late night call she once received from a stranger whose breathing seemed to increase as her distress and confusion increased. Bella was hit with an epiphany, as she realised that Edward must be nocturnal. There was something strange about Edward Cullen.

At lunch, Bella was introduced to the diverse and amazing student body. Jessica and Mike two students who had introduced themselves to Bella in art class, waved at Bella to join them. During the aforementioned class, Bella had been paining pictures of Edward and distributing them to her classmates, much to their delight. They had spent the rest of the class laughing hysterically. Bella had smiled then, knowing that she had already established herself as being not only the most beautiful girl in the school, but the class clown also.

Now, at lunch, Jessica stared at Bella.

'Why do you keep calling Lachlan Edward?'

'Edward is his _true_ name,' Bella explained, rolling her eyes. 'And I think I love him.'

Jessica and Mike exchanged glances. Bella didn't appreciate Jessica's obvious attempt to steal all of the attention from her. Bella suddenly remembered that she could communicate with males on a _much_ deeper level than Jessica. Therefore, she could convey secret messages to Mike without Jessica even knowing!

Bella stared at Mike meaningfully, and belched loudly. Mike cocked his head to the side, and stared at her agape. Jessica did much the same. Bella was satisfied, knowing that Mike was only _pretending _not to understand that she had actually just invited him to her and Edward's wedding. Jessica, on the other hand, would obviously not be able to interpret this secret language.

Mike stood up.

'Uh, I'm going to leave now. I have, uh, band practise now.'

Jessica glared at her friend.

'Don't lie to me! I know you don't play any instruments, you loser.'

Mike looked panicked and stared around wildly.

'Well, I got told to water the school's plants. All of them.' He stared imploringly at Jessica.

'Ohhhh!' Jessica's face seemed to register a new understanding. 'Yes. Well. I got told that too. Yes. Come on. Better start…watering. Bye, Bella.

'Bye, Bella!'

'Bye guys!' replied Bella happily. She was rapt that Mike could overcome his anguish at her having chosen Edward over him, but understood that he would have to cry himself to sleep for a while.

She felt eyes on her suddenly, and looked up at a nearby table to see Edward staring at her. He seemed be convulsing. Blushing, Bella tried to look modest. She looked away from him. She looked back at him again. The school nurse had rushed over to him, and forced some red liquid down his throat. The convulsing stopped. Was the liquid…blood?

Bella decided to bite the bullet and approach Edward while he was alone, which he nearly always was. She decided to turn her iPod on full blast, to set the tone. She needed to get this right. She had to look like one of those dancers out of a 50 Cent film clip. She drew a deep breath, chose the perfect song (Ice Ice Baby), and began her strut. She decided to incorporate a bit of movie star power into her walk, and started to move towards Edward in slow motion.

Silence fell over the cafeteria at once. Everyone stopped what they were doing (and one boy froze with his fork halfway to his mouth) to stare at Bella. Bella was exhilarated by the fact that this was playing out _just like_ a video clip, where the gorgeous girl commands the attention of everybody in the given space, as she walks towards the object of her affection in slow motion.

Then, out of nowhere, Bella was interrupted! She was about to perform the strip tease when a really hideous blonde stepped out in front of Bella. She appeared to be shielding Edward.

'Excuse me,' the ugly girl said. 'I don't think that behaviour like that is very appropriate in a school cafeteria. I don't really want to embarrass you or Lachlan,' she lowered her voice, 'but I _am_ obliged to report any troublemaking. I will let you off the hook if you turn around and make a quiet exit now.'

Bella stared at Edward, hoping that he would rush to her defence. Instead, he mouthed the words 'thank you' to the blonde girl. The girl went to sit down.

'Nice one, Rosalie!' a male voice called out from the sea of students. Somebody else wolf whistled.

Bella felt sorry for this Rosalie. Although she had cut Bella's dance short, she did not deserve to be teased by the boys. _Still_, Bella reasoned, _it might teach her a lesson_.

Bella seized her chance.

'Why didn't you stick up for me?' she questioned Edward. 'Edward, what is it about me?'

Edward squirmed for a while, murmuring again that his name was Lachlan Mulkitov. He straightened up, brushed the uneaten spaghetti from his lap, and stared at Bella square in the eye.

'It's complicated,' he began, 'and I wouldn't expect you to ever understand.'

Bella leaned in to Edward, breathing in the delicious blend of Mc Donald's, smoked ham and flatulence. She decided to prompt him.

'Yes?'

'It's just, that, I-I can always tell what people are thinking when I look a-at them,' Edward stuttered. 'But with you, all I see is a whirl of schizophrenia. Worse still, when you-you stand in front of people, it blocks me from seeing them. When you stand in front of a window-darkness is cast upon the classroom. Now you're standing in front of me, and I can't see anything or anyone else in this cafeteria! I'm sorry.'

Edward stood up.

'Once you stand in front of something, it disappears completely from view. I lose my bearings around you. You block out huge chunks of the landscape wherever you stand! It's too much!'

Bella was overwhelmed.

'Thanks!' she said.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five: A Nightmare. **

Bella felt so overwhelmed by the revelation that Edward acknowledged her superior dress size that she decided that she needed to sleep it off. When she arrived home, she decided to play the same prank on her father that she had been doing ever since she was six.

Lowering her voice (a remarkable feat, given its usual masculinity), she glared at Charlie and said:

'I know your secret.'

Charlie dropped the maracas he had been dancing with and started to look around anxiously.

'Bella! The dresses in the closet belong to a friend of mine, I swear,' he babbled.

'What dresses?' asked Bella, confused. She always played this prank, where she pretended that she could see into her father's mind. She couldn't believe that her father_ still_ fell for it. 'Why do you think I care about dumb dresses?'

'Never mind,' replied Charlie, mopping his forehead. He walked into the kitchen, muttering nonsense like 'must borrow Billy's stilettos', 'spandex tights' and 'better hiding places.'

Bella pointed at her father's retreating figure and gave a fat sort of laugh. She did not find her actions at all obnoxious.

She thumped into her room in a ritualistic and rhythmic manner, as she was fond of scaring away any little animals that might lurk around outside. She had long decided to take proactive measures against the wildlife that might disturb her as she slumbered. A bat was hovering around Bella's window, but upon hearing her approach, dropped dead and fell onto the grass outside. Bella laughed, stomach aquiver, but stopped short when she realised that it reminded her of…Edward.

_Oh well_. She shrugged off the thought, and her bed groaned as she fell on it. She became excited then, and congratulated herself on having a successful conversation with Edward Cullen. Where most girls might do a crazy little dance after talking to their crush, Bella took a different approach. She lay flat on her back, lifted her legs in the air, and moved them around frantically in a bike-pedalling motion and started to sing Heaven by DJ Sammy.

'Baby you're all that I need,

When you're lying here in my arms

I'm finding it hard to believe,

We're in Heaven!'

Not surprisingly, this uncharacteristic burst of energy was enough to lull Bella into sleep. This was the first night that she dreamed of Edward…

The dream started normally enough. _It was just the two of them. They were in Bella's backyard, talking. They were wearing Elizabethan collars, not the type that Shakespearean actors would wear, but the plastic ones that vets put on dogs to stop them pulling at their stitches. Edward was teasing Bella, seductively eating her macaroni necklace, one piece by one piece. He was holding it in his hand, and chomping loudly, never taking his eyes off Bella. He was smiling, too. Most girls would describe it as 'creepy,' Bella found it…spine-chilling. He was so hot. _

_After marching about the garden in a two-person conga line, Bella screamed. She saw snakes, everywhere! Edward laughed. _

'_Relax, Bella', he said, trying to reassure her. 'They are only rubber.' He reached down and touched one, to highlight his point. _

_It was a long black snake, and upon Edwards touch, flipped around and hissed loudly. Another, smaller, rainbow coloured snake launched itself into the air and bit Edward's wrist. Edward spun around in circles like a discus thrower, trying to shake the snake off. It wasn't working. _

'_THEY'RE NOT RUUUUBBEEEERRR!' He howled. _

_Bella raced inside to call the snake-catcher. She couldn't find the telephone, so started pressing buttons on the television remote control. _

'_Good evening, Forks's Snake Removal. How may I help you?' answered the bored receptionist. The remote control had worked! _

'_Yes, we need someone out here fast!' Bella panted. 'There are snakes. Everywhere. They are eating Edward!' _

'_Aw, sorry,' replied the receptionist apologetically. 'For the number of snakes that you are claiming to have in your yard, we would have to send out one person for every square metre of your yard. That would be a lot of rangers, and would cost you too much money! I recommend that you grab a can of Mortein fly spray, and start sprayin'! This is a great and effective way to remove snakes. By the way, don't use any other brand, or else the snakes will not die, but become angry. Thank you for your call.' _

_The line went dead. Bella thanked the heavens above that her father considered Mortein to be a superior brand. She also armed herself with a fly swat, just in case. _

_She raced outside to rescue Edward, but he had disappeared. The snakes were also gone. All that was left of Edward and the snakes was a tiny piece of macaroni attached to the string that had been Bella'a macaroni necklace…_

Bella woke up then. She was terrified.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six:

Bella was breathing hard, and she realised that she was in a cold sweat. She felt terrible, and decided to cool herself off and clean herself up. She found a pair of red underpants lying on the floor. She used them to mop her forehead. Hmm. They seemed old. And used. _Oh well_.

Staring out of the window, she looked at the full moon. Once, at her old school, she had bent over in the cafeteria to pick up an apple core (she had forgotten her lunch that day, you see) and her pants seemed to move ever so slightly south. One of the teachers had called out:

'It's a full moon today!' This had been met by uproarious laughter, mingled with one girl gagging on her dumplings.

Bella sighed as she stared at the silvery moon. She _was _truly beautiful. If her _behind _could look like _that_, well…Forks today, Milan and Paris tomorrow!

Catching sight of movement behind some bushes in her front garden, Bella gasped. She thought she saw something! Somebody must be out there! Grabbing her paintball gun, she decided to show the intruder a thing or two.

Stalking her prey, Bella quietly moved outside. She called out.

'Whooooo, balloooooo! GADANASH!' If your definition of moving quietly is the same as Bella's, then you won't consider shouting nonsensical words as you walk at all noisy or disruptive. Several dogs in the neighbourhood woke up and started barking.

Bella moved closer to the rustling bushes.

'En guard!' She brandished her paintball gun.

Not believing her eyes, she saw a bin emerge from the bushes. It was a bin with legs! It had two circular cut-outs for eyes, but no arms. The bin looked at Bella (or at least, she guessed it did) and then started to tiptoe away. Bella was going to have none of this.

She tore the lid off the bin, only to find the head of…Edward?

'Edward…' Bella could not believe it. Her beloved was a true master of disguise. He had managed to render himself invisible by hiding in a bin! There was definitely something magical about Edward Cullen. First, though, Bella decided that she must figure out what he was doing at her house at exactly 1:14AM.

'What are you doing here, now, at _this_ time, at _my_ house, behind _my_ bushes?'

Edward was clearly nervous. He kept moving his head from side to side, slowly, and rhythmically opening and closing his mouth, looking much like one of those moving clowns at a fair.

'I was, just, admiring your beautiful flowers,' he replied.

'There _are_ no flowers!'

'No?' Edward started to laugh nervously. Bella could see the whites of his eyes. 'Oops, my mistake. Must have been a bit of litter. I never realised how shocking my eyesight was until this day, er, night. My name is actually Lach-ah, it doesn't matter anymore. '

If it were anybody else, Bella would have advised them to build a bridge and get over themselves, but with _him_, she just couldn't. She couldn't point and laugh at him, she couldn't sit on him and let one rip, she couldn't run off with his wallet. These were all things which she had done to so many others. With Edward, however, things were vey, very different and in more ways than one.

Now was Bella's chance to shine. She _would_ expose Edward for what he was.

'I know what you are,' she said, feeling a rush of lactic acid fill her legs. Walking _and_ carrying a paintball gun proved to be very draining work indeed.

'Say it,' Edward growled, moving closer to Bella in the moonlight.

Bella's voice caught in her throat.

'Stalker!'

Edward threw back his head, dropped to his knees, and howled.

'How cooouuuuld you knooooow?'

Bella dropped to her knees, trying to calm her love down.

'No, no! It's okay,' she purred. 'I'm absolutely fine with simple-obsessional stalking. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

'Are you scared?'

'No.'

'I'll explain everything, I swear. After lunch at school today, I just thought you were weird, dancing up to me like that. I took a walk to clear my head, and spotted a piece of chewing gum on the floor. It kind of reminded me of one of your teeth, you know, the greenish one with-_never mind!_- and I stomped on it, because I didn't want to see anything that reminded me of you at that point in time. However, the gum stuck to the bottom of my left shoe. It hindered my walking for the rest of the afternoon! It was only after I finally ate it that I realised that you, Bella Swan, are stuck to my heart in much the same manner that that piece of gum was stuck to my shoe! I've only ever had one epiphany in my life, and that was it! I didn't mean to show up like this tonight. I already have a few priors for stalking that hot, I mean, ugly guy Jacob Black!'

Bella let this entire information sink in. She was more in love than ever. She would treasure the sight of Edward, at this exact moment, still in the rubbish bin with his legs sticking out, _forever_.

She understood three major things in that moment of bliss. First, she would have a date with Edward tomorrow, at school. Second, there was a part of Edward-and she didn't know how dominant that part might be-that thirsted for this Jacob Black. And third. Because Bella was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Edward, she would eliminate the competition by making Jacob Black fall in love with _her_. Who was Jacob Black?


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven: STATUE-sqe. **

Bella woke up early the next day and stared out at the glorious sunrise. Edward was sleeping outside, directly underneath her window. He was snoring loudly, and the occasional spider or fly would crawl into his gaping mouth. He was too sweet. However, Bella knew that she would have to explain Edward's presence when her father went outside to collect the mail. She would also have to come up with a plausible reason as to why Edward had decided to cover the exterior of their house with paint using the paintball gun in the middle of the night whilst they were both asleep. The house was now covered in giant bright pink spots. Even _I can't figure this one out_, thought Bella. She put on her favourite flowered bonnet and leather jacket, hoping that Edward was secretly watching her as she changed.

Charlie's voice floated down the corridor.

'I'm awaaaaaake,' he sang out sleepily. He put on his fluffy bunny slippers and scuffed outside to collect the mail. Bella stared with apprehension out of her window and witnessed Edward trying to crawl into her house, as the sound of Charlie had woken him up. Edward was crawling along on hand and knee, slowly plodding along, when Charlie tripped over him. Charlie landed on the ground, legs over head.

Bella rushed outside. She had to find a way to lighten the situation.

'Dad,' she called. 'He's only a friend, and he wanted to make sure I was safe, and-'

She stopped abruptly, for her father was smiling at Edward and nodding.

'Nice,' he said. 'Very nice.' He used his hand to correct the wedgie that his black g-string was giving him, pulling the material with an audible _snap_.

Edward had also been trying to diffuse the situation by freezing still and not moving a muscle.

'Where did you get this statue, Bella?'

'Ummm, I didn't! Someone dumped it here!'

Charlie started to circle Edward, examining him.

'Hmmm, this is a fine masterpiece! So stoic, so manly, so…mine!"

'Oh, no, no, no!' Bella hastily interjected. 'Someone dumped it here…but they want Edward-_it_- back!'

'Oh well,' shrugged Charlie, 'Finders keepers, losers weepers. He's mine now.'

Edward was beginning to convulse. Charlie thought Edward was a statue. Bella had to keep her father's eyes on her! Of course, she thought it only reasonable that the best way to do this was to actually talk about the now moving "statue"-the object of interest.

'Can I take it to school?' She implored her father. 'I want everyone to see it.'

Charlie scratched his head. 'Yes, I don't see the harm. Be sure to bring it back tonight, though.'

Charlie walked back inside the house, muttering 'must buy lipstick for the statue' and 'will name it Priscilla' and such. Bella turned on Edward.

'It's safe now. Let's go.'

They ran all the way to school. When they got there Edward turned to Bella.

'Everyone loves to choose my mane all of a sudden. Priscilla?'

Bella ignored this, and decided that she and Edward should get into the classroom early and play a prank on the class. It would make for an ideal first date. After pitching this plan to Edward, who readily agreed, Bella let the way.

They ran into Rosalie, who stared at them suspiciously for a moment of two before asking:

'Where are you two going?'

'Through a secret portal to the parallel universe,' replied Bella, putting on a pair of cracked sunglasses to help her keep a poker face.

Rosalie rolled her eyes.

'I don't know what worries me more,' she complained, 'the fact that you just said that or the fact that I'm not _surprised_ you just said that.'

'Well, build a bridge and get over it. Or better yet, build a bridge and get over yourself!' These words were surprisingly not said by Bella, but by Edward himself. Bella burst into tears, and was full of gratitude. Rosalie walked off quickly. They watched her leave the corridor, by which point she had broken into a steady run.

'I can't believe that I've found another person who uses that line!' squealed Bella.

Edward stared severely at Bella.

'Nor can I.' He put one hand on Bella's shoulder. 'We are destined to be together.'

Walking into the biology classroom at last, Bella grabbed a whiteboard marker. Giggling and squirming with delight, she wrote up on the whiteboard:

Biology Homework: To Find a Cure for AIDS, cancer and depression.

Deadline: One hour after the time you read this notice.

Penalty if you do not complete this task by the given deadline: A fine of $1 million, or time served in jail.

Laughing, Bella and Edward took their seats. A few minutes later, the rest of the class filed in. They all stared at the whiteboard in curiosity, frowned, rolled their eyes, and sat down. Mike stared at Bella, and muttered:

'Loser.'

Bella was glad that everyone fell for it. She also decided to annoy everyone else in the class by calling the teacher 'your honour' every time he asked her a question, saying 'uh buh buh uh buh buh' over and over during the class pop quiz, and drawing a smiley face on a piece of paper and talking to it. Edward looked pretty jealous by this point.

After school, Edward had to go to his _own_ house for some strange reason, and Bella decided to inform her dad that she let a friend "borrow" Edward, the statue. He accepted this explanation readily enough.

Bella decided to do some detective work. She looked up 'Black' in the phonebook, and decided to call every entry she found. There were 2344 entries. None of them worked. She would have to ask Edward where this Jacob lived.

She rang up Edward.

'Edward, you must tell me,' she demanded in a commanding voice, 'where does Jacob live.'

'Oh, next door to you, actually,' replied Edward.

Bella raced next door and pounded on the door. An old lady answered.

'Jacob? Jacob Black?' Bella panted, exhausted.

The old lady shook her head.

'No, dearie. Not here.'

Damn. Must be the OTHER next door. Bella didn't think that she could manage walking all that way, so she went to bed, and resolved to confront Jacob the next morning.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight: Jacob's Place. **

Bella woke up in the morning, prepared to do some careful planning. Rushing over to the old lady's place in search of Jacob had proven to be a mistake for a few reasons, least of all because she had exhausted herself beyond belief. Bella did acknowledge, however, that she and Edward ran all the way to school when Charlie thought he was a statue. That must have been pure adrenaline and Bella realised that she was a fool to have expected a repeat performance from her bodily systems.

Still, Bella thought she had recovered enough and she removed the toilet paper which she had been using as bandages over night. She loaded up her laptop and typed in: Jacob Black into the search engine on Facebook. As there were over 1000 results, and the page was showing 1-10 of said results, Bella decided to take wild guesses as to which one was _the_ Jacob Black, the erstwhile object of Edward's affections.

Soon enough, Bella found herself caught between two choices. There was a Jacob Black in Ireland, and a Jacob Black in Forkes, United States. She realised it couldn't be the one in Ireland because it featured a profile picture of an old man eating a Brussels sprout off a fork. Edward could _never _select a man who liked such a disgusting vegetable and actually consider him a viable romantic partner. The Jacob in Forks therefore seemed to be the very boy she was looking for. She added him so she could keep tabs on his activity, and make sure that he wasn't trying to communicate with Edward. The profile picture was of Jacob's head. He had spiky black hair. Bella snorted with laughter as she was reminded of a porcupine.

Bella packed some snacks in her backpack for the trek to Jacob's house. She had eaten them by the time she stepped out onto her driveway.

At Jacob's house, Bella rang the doorbell. A guy who looked around her age answered the door.

'Come in,' he said, with an effeminate lisp. 'I've been expecting you.'

Bella was puzzled, but stepped into the house. It was painted…pink. She looked back at Jacob, who was wearing a mermaid outfit, complete with snakeskin tail and seashell bra. He hopped over to his couch, wobbled a bit as though he was about to lose balance, and sat himself down, sprawling his muscled arms out in a welcoming gesture.

'Sit.' He gestured to a wicker chair opposite the couch. Bella sat and promptly broke the seat. She thought that perhaps if she sat still and didn't indicate that she had literally just fallen through the chair, Jacob might not notice. For once, Bella wanted to seem polite.

Sitting amongst the rubble that she had created, Bella stared at Jacob, who was combing his hair and gazing into a little bejewelled mirror.

'How did you know I was coming this morning?' she asked, evidently puzzled. Perhaps Jacob _really _was a psychic mermaid.

Jacob moved his wrist in a limp, flamboyant gesture.

'Oh, dah-ling, it was so obvious. I accepted your add about half an hour ago and a fly landed on the screen. I was chasing it around with the curser as it crawled along, and noticed your status: Must visit and destroy Jacob Black with LUUURRVE!'

Bella nodded.

'Oh.'

'Sorry to burst your bubble Honey-Bunny, but I don't bat for the same team as most guys. Do you get my drift?'

'You hate baseball?'

'Oh ha haha! That is ab-sol-_utely_ cute, but no. That's not what I meant.'

Bella did not like Jacob knowing something that she didn't. She excused herself to use the bathroom. When she returned, Jacob was chortling into his Bacardi and coke.

'What?' grunted Bella, pulling her trousers up higher so that they sat just below her armpits.

Jacob gave a high-pitched giggle.

'Hee hee. Next time you use my bathroom, don't bother running the faucet when you're actually on the toilet. The sound of the water rushing does not disguise the sound of the plop!'

Embarrassed, Bella shuffled her feet. She decided to change the subject.

'Sooo, how do you know Edward Cullen?' she asked, trying not to sound forward.

'Say whaaat?'

'He calls himself "Lachlan Mulkitov" for some reason, don't ask.' Bella rolled her eyes.

Jacob looked as though a sunbeam had just hit his face.

'Ohhh, _Locky_! I remember him well. We met at one of those karaoke nights, I told him that his nipple tassels looked hot, he stalked me for months afterward, and the rest is history!'

Bella did not enjoy this turn of events, and felt as though the atmosphere was perfect for luring Jacob's attentions towards _her_ instead. Even the sound of the song Jai Ho playing in the background seemed to signal to her that the setting was perfect for securing Jacob's love.

She started to do her trusty dance, but to her utter shock, Jacob squealed.

'Oh no you did not!' he screeched, batting her away with his hands. 'You're a GIRL. Even though I find you quite masculine in both appearance and mannerisms, I just _so_ can't go there.'

Bella flushed with pride.

'You find me masculine? Thanks!'

Jacob jumped out of his seat, hopped towards the door, and gestured to Bella to leave.

'Make like a banana and split!'

Bella thumped out, feeling quite satisfied that Jacob wanted her. Now she could find Edward and hope that he wouldn't get jealous…

Homeless guy

MILF


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine: Sparkly Edward. **

Bella paused at Jacob's front door. She clasped his hand in hers.

'Whatever you do, Jacob,' she implored, 'just stay away from Edward. Please.'

Jacob squealed again and rubbed his hands with Purell. He tutted.

'Don't worry girlfriend, he's yours. He stalked me; I said no, yada yada yada.' He hopped back a few paces, and closed the door in Bella's face.

Bella decided to take a wild guess as to where Edward lived, and then go and pay him a visit. She knew that walking would be impossible, so she borrowed her father's ride-on lawn mower. She hoped that the handcuffs that she found in the driver's seat weren't vital to the functioning of the engine mechanism. She tossed them aside.

She turned the mower on, and rode it past the full length mirror in her father's garage. She liked the way her flab flopped over the sides of the mower and jiggled as the mower vibrated. She looked up and stuck her tongue out at her reflection depicted in the mirrors attached to the ceiling.

She rode out of her driveway, and on to the road. She decided that her mode of transport was much cooler than the other cars on the road, and as the drivers in these cars stared at her drive-on mower, she leered and deliberately jiggled her flab at them with her hands. Some drivers looked angry, others insulted, but the majority seemed quite nervous.

After about two hours, Bella was growing miserable. She seemed to be going round and round in circles (which was an actual possibility, because at some point she turned hard left, and didn't bother to move the steering back to centre). She also had a banana peel attached to her head, which had been launched at her by a man in a truck. She had initially figured that the peel made quite a suitable hat, but in the heat it was beginning to fester and attract flies.

Then, out of nowhere, Edward came running towards Bella with a broomstick between his legs.

'Whhheeeeee! Whhheeeeee!' He cried. 'Whooooooosh!'

It was at that moment that Bella truly understood that she and Edward had _so_ much in common, and she wasn't just referring to their gorgeous looks.

Edward guided Bella's ride to the side of the road, and dragged it up on the pavement.

'How did you find me?' asked Bella, stroking Edward's face.

'There was footage of you on the news. Soon it will be put on Youtube. I knew it had to be you. The camera was taken from a birds-eye viewpoint, and normally you can't distinguish the features of a person from that height…but you…I could make out your stomach and thighs perfectly.'

Bella was so flattered. She and Edward decided to lie on the sidewalk for hours, staring at each other. After some time, Edward said:

'Come, I'll show you my house.'

He fired up the ride-on mower and put Bella on behind him. They rode a relatively short distance, and ended up at Edward's place, which was actually quite an average looking abode.

Inside the house, Edward said:

'You'll have to excuse the lack of electricity. It got cut off a few months ago…and if we want water, we place cups and bowls outside and wait for it to rain.'

Bella was astounded. This astonishment had nothing to do with the house and its contents (or lack thereof). Rather, it was brought on by a growing sensation within Bella that something remarkable was going to happen soon.

Sure enough, Edward told Bella that he had something to show her in the garden.

'You've probably never seen anything like this before.' Edward started to move his hips in a circular motion rhythmically. Bella nodded and waited, wondering what it was that he had in store for her.

After a while, Edward looked up.

'Just warming up,' he said, before proceeding to pick up about ten hula hoops that there lying around.

He started the movement of his hips again, and slowly removed his shirt. The hair on his chest shimmered. He passed the hula hoops to Bella, and instructed her to toss them at him, one by one. She did so, and he began to hula hoop them, one by one, until he was standing there, hula hooping all ten around him (one was going round and round his neck). All the while, Edward was grinning maniacally at Bella. The hoops were brightly coloured, and really sparkly.

Bella gasped.

'You're…sparkling. You're beautiful.'

Edward breathed in and out several times. His breaths made him sound like he was choking. He pointed an accusing finger at Bella.

'You don't know how dangerous I am! I am a lean, mean fighting machine! My running ability is highlighted by the fact that I actually kept up with you as we ran to school yesterday! I threw a snowball at an elderly neighbour when I was six, hence demonstrating my fighting ability!'

Bella was exhilarated.

'Did you hit your elderly neighbour?' she asked, delighted that Edward had the same sense of humour as she.

'No,' replied he, 'but he noticed it fall next to him and threw a rock back at me! I was in hospital for ages.'

'My poor kind Edward,' cooed Bella sympathetically.

'Are you frightened of me?'

Bella thought for a minute.

'Are you going to throw any snowballs at me?' she asked.

Edward laughed.

'No, but I will stalk you relentlessly for years. Hope you have a lot of pepper spray on hand!'

Bella was relieved.

'Then no, I'm not afraid.'


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten: Edward's Family. **

Bella could feel herself breathing hard. Edward was about to show her something else-she could tell. Edward picked up two of the sparkly hoops, and waggled his eyebrows at Bella suggestively.

'Do you know what else these are used for?' Edward asked softly.

'No.' Bella shook her head, panting in anticipation.

Edward drew the hoops up towards his ears, and then clicked a hatch. The next thing Bella knew, Edward was wearing the two hoops as earrings. He looked beautiful.

He started to sway from side to side, laughing in a low voice. Bella joined in, and picked up another two of the hoops to attach to her own ears. They were both laughing and swaying about for a while when Edward suddenly became serious again:

'I want you to meet my family. Be warned: They are a motley crew.'

Bella's breath was taken away by this proposal. She could sense a marriage approaching, she could sense it!

Edward turned on his heel (literally, he was a few inches taller than he usually was) and headed back into his shack. Bella followed, puffing away at her asthma inhaler at the effort. He pulled hard at a handle on the floor, and a trapdoor opened. He beckoned for Bella to follow, and then led the way down a ladder into a cellar.

Bella stared down the stairs, decided that climbing would be too much effort, and found it easier to simply fall through the trapdoor, despite the fact that she had no idea how far she would actually fall.

Luckily for her, the depth was not extensive, and she thought that all things considered, she was very graceful. Her legs were up over her head, and she noticed several pale faces staring at her. One of the males pointed at her and started to laugh. He looked as though he were about ten years of age.

'Mommy! _Mommy_!' he whined, and pulled on the skirt of a really tall and thin woman. 'She's fat!'

The woman looked really embarrassed and smacked her son lightly on his hand.

'Do not point out such embarrassing truths about _guests, _Emmett. It isn't polite.'

Another boy, who looked about twenty rushed at Edward in a fury. He was gaunt and was wielding a can of deodorant. He brandished it at Edward.

'HOW DARE YOU BRING OUTSIDERS IN HERE?'

He then promptly sprayed into Edward's face.

'Ooowwwwiiiieeee!' screamed Edward.

Emmett picked up a tiny twig and threw it at Edward.

'Here, you big girl! Use this on Jasper!'

Edward recovered, and pointed the twig at Jasper, who was hyperventilating and scraping his foot against the ground like an enraged bull that is about to charge.

'_Avada kedavra_!' Edward shouted, and made _swooshing_ noises to indicate that he was imagining that green light was erupting from the end of it.

Jasper's eyes widened with shock, although nothing was actually happening. He started slapping himself in a panic, and ripping off his shirt, squealing.

'Stop, STOP! Jasper, Lachlan! Settle down!' The mother was screeching and trying to stop the fight.

Bella was just glad that her beloved won.

'Sorry about them,' the woman said to Bella breathlessly. 'I'm glad Lachlan brought you here. We wanted to show you a sport we play.'

Bella held her breath in excitement. Her face turned really red, until she realised that she couldn't actually hold her breath for more than a couple of seconds.

The mother, Edward, and the brothers all pulled up chairs. Edward turned to Bella and said:

'For now, Bella, we knit! You will not be able to cope with this.'

Bella watched as the family started knitting furiously.

**Author's Note**: If it takes a while for me to post new chapters, don't worry! They're coming. It's just that I get a bit tied down with uni, work etc.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven: James and Victoria**

Bella was sobbing gently at the prowess of Edward's family when it came to their knitting. _They are right_, thought Bella miserably. _I could not hope to keep up with that kind of stamina_.

Little Emmett noticed Bella's tears and exclaimed:

'HAH! YOU'RE A FAT BABY! A FLABBY PATTY! DOES BABY WANT HER MILK?'

'Your mom,' burped Bella into Emmett's face. Now it was his turn to cry.

'SMEEELLY!' He howled, and grabbed on to his mother, doing that think where kids bury their heads into their parent's bottoms whilst hugging them.

'I'm so sorry,' apologised Bella. 'I know how much you all want me, but really, I only came to watch you doing what you do best.'

Edward's mother was about to reply, when there came a crash. Looking up, Edward screamed silently and pointed up at the hole where the trap door was. There came another crash and a pile of dust fell into Edward's moth.

Jasper started to panic and pace.

'Oh no! I know who this is! Quick, everyone! Either grab a weapon or adopt a suitable pose!'

Everyone ran around (except for Bella, who vibrated her flab to give the illusion that she too was running around frantically) and picked up a weapon.

Edward's mother (whose name was Esmerelda Gershap Groganinni) picked up an empty water bottle, and ripped off its lid. She aimed it in the air above her.

Edward issued 3D glasses to everyone.

'Thank goodness we have these! Even though we didn't bother using them when we saw Avatar in 3D, they are bound to be useful now!' He said joyfully.

Jasper pointed the twig that Edward had been fighting with in the air.

Emmett, after whining that he couldn't find anything to use, turned around and pulled down his pants, mooning whoever was about to come down the trap door. Bella hurriedly turned her pockets inside out. She found a wad of used gum. Hmmm. That would have to do.

Steeling themselves, the five of them waited. Soon enough, a blonde boy and a red-headed girl came down the trapdoor. They were wearing identical convict outfits (black and white stripes etc). The blonde boy was armed with a paintball gun, and the red-haired girl had a slingshot. The blonde boy glared at Emmett's bare behind and shot at it using his paintball.

SPLAT!

This was followed by a scream of pain by Emmett, as he rolled around rubbing his bottom in pain.

'What are you doing here?' asked Esme, a sorrowful expression on her face.

The red-haired girl screwed up her face.

'James and I wanted to knit with you, of course.' Edward's family seemed to calm down a little. Now they and the newcomers were smiling hesitantly at each other.

Bella at this point thought of a clever idea. She said to the girl:

'Why, you have lovely teeth! Allow me to examine them for a second!'

The girl smiled broadly.

'Thank you! That sounds lovely!'

'Say "aaahhhhh"'

'Aaaahhhhhh….Aaaaaahhhhh'

Bella chuckled loudly and waddled up to the girl's mouth. She pretended to peer in and admire the teeth, all the while pulling the gum out of her pocket. She cried out: 'PURE OWNAGE!' and smacked the gum onto the girl's teeth.

'Aaaaaahhh-AAAHHH?!?!?!'

The girl spat the gum out and started running around the perimeter of the room in a fury.

'Victoria! Calm down!' said the boy named James. 'Right! You people are in for it now!'

He joined her and started running around too, his movements synchronised with her.

Edward turned to Bella.

'_Now_ look what you've done.'

Bella was slightly annoyed by this. She flicked Edward's 3D glasses off his face. He retaliated, and flicked hers off.

Jasper tried to use his twig on the raging Victoria and James, but they pre-empted him and tore it out of his hand. They then proceeded to grab the knitting needles, and toss them into the air. They pulled the wool from the garments that Edward's family had been knitting and unravelled all of their hard work. They wound wool everywhere and rolled the balls all over the place, creating a complex little web.

Esme suddenly rushed forward, brandishing her empty water bottle. She blew into it. A sound came out of it. She adjusted the angle. She blew again and another note came out! Victoria and James froze like deer caught in headlights. Esme charged towards them now, blowing notes out of the empty bottle.

The pair of intruders started to run and scrambled up the ladder as fast as they could. At the top, Victoria peered back down, and gave Bella an evil look.

'What's your name?' she hissed.

'Moto-Moto!' she replied, thinking back to when she saw Madagascar 2. 'The name so good, you have to say it twice!'

Victoria and James disappeared completely from view then.

Edward and his family looked around them in angst. Their knitting was ruined! Bella thought it was kind of funny, and pointed at Esme, who had sat down and began to cry.

'It's time to go! I'll protect you,' murmured Edward into Bella's ear.

'See you Lachlan!' waved jasper.

'Don't worry,' added Bella, 'I'll try to stay alive.'

'Please don't,' said Emmett, waving them off.

Outside Edward's house, Bella rounded on him.

'How can we fix this?' she asked.

Edward sighed and squashed a few ants under his heel.

'I need to visit Jacob,' he replied, staring to Bella solemnly.

Author's note: I know I'm taking REAAALLY long to make new chapters I just have a lot going on at the moment, and I will get there eventually. Don't think I've forgotten Oh, and you might want to read chapter 10 again. When I put it up, I don't think it worked properly, or notified anyone who had subscribed to receiving notifications for this story.


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